Older Lyrics

Forget about it

I thought u said u'd never make the same mistakes twice?
but now I'm the one left at ur sacrifice
I knew I should have had ur excuses regarded,
considering how much is bullshit and how much is honest
But speaking of repitition, hearing your words I listened
gulliable enough to say "You are forgiven"
The situation would have been better just ignored,
reassured my confidence by knowing I deserve so much more
There are so many ways I could describe it,
how I feel, the story behind it
But is it worth it all to be so revealing?
sometimes I wonder if I'm just at all that appealing?
Or is there something wrong with my personality?
does nobody feel like they connect enough to be a fan of me?
I wouldn't change myself for noone,
but there are some alterations you need to make to be considered a grown up
So where's the maturity behind this particular matter?
Or is it just an overblown ego causin' a disaster?
People's emotions should not be toyed with
every sexual interaction produces thought involvement
Attraction is much like the game of dominos
Having the first success sends someone into spiral mode
But when you come to the end of the line where is there left to go?
nowhere but to think about the events that left you here alone
Is it my fault? Am I just too forceful?
do I care too much that it's just intolerable?
So many questions and yet no answers
how do you find out if the one that should respond doesn't think it matters?
Nothing left to do but just forget about it
and hope that the next attempt results in kept promises

When you know, you know

You don't even understand, that when I grab your hand, I gotta pull away
The shock is too intense, you got me in a trance, you got me stoned for days
And when you elevate my physical, catch you switching your peripherals, look so hard you eject a missile, and I'm blown away
Can't even describe, how you tease my mind
How we have sex, fuck, and make love all at the same time
You must be kidding with those antics, giving you the advantage, ain't no joke while I'm grabbing your package,
In a public place
How you get these looks on your face, like you've just been maced, so frantic all the way from 1st to home base,
I'll be milking you down with that whole goodness taste
You could have your own food group title, calling it "salty, sweet, and baked"
Top me off with your icing, and I'll be your angel food cake (hehe.)
And they might laugh, they might snicker
Making judgements on our matters but how do they figure... we ain't gonna last?
Unless I got a ring on my left hand?
But in the end who comes out the winner?
Relationships ain't sacred, commitments like a heavy hitter
When it connects the ball flies, but how many times you gotta strike out and hear the same lines?
Cause when you know, you know no boundaries sets the limit, without even wanting to be specific
The games diminished
And your the target, so go stand in it
Relax, and let cupid strike you with his love arrow, Cause everyone deserves to be happy
And I'm ecstatic to have found someone who treats me like an individual

Lyrics

I like to write lyrics from time to time to get my emotions/thoughts out… here’s one I wrote today J

[VERSE 1]

You’re like playing with fire, and I could only be burning inside

But that’s alright, because I still love the way you lie

With this much passion, this much physical attraction

It’s from one extreme to the next, hot and heavy to a criminal offence

And you say you want me, but you don’t want to make me your girl?

Is it wrong that I don’t care, and I just want you in my world?

History has shown, you’re the type that I’ll regret

But what needs to be determined, is if it’s worth the consequence

Because these emotions are rare, still there when I’m sober,

And you affect me like a drug, you make me shake all over

It could only be an addiction, something that’s fiction,

So let’s write our story book, but the lion doesn't fall in love with this lamb

The lamb’s heart gets ripped into shreds, and that is how this story ends.

[CHORUS]

Dear Mr. Impossible, Dear Never Commit,

Dear Mr. Trust Issues, Dear Never Forget

I am writing you this letter, to express my inner conflict

Which path should I chose, which wager should I bet?

In the battle of the heart versus the mind, which one should win the fight?

[VERSE 2]

So here’s my dilemma, I already got a good fella

But when I think about my ideal, I think about the intensity we share

For one another… you’re something that I crave, and my appetite only grows

I’m hungry for your lips, and I’m thirsty for your throes

So do I go with what’s safe, or another unknown?

You’re like a mystery, you keep me guessing, you keep me on my toes

You are impossible to figure out, not one to commit

You have trust issues, but you’re one I’ll never forget

And this could go one of two ways, but I bet on disaster,

I take the bullet, and you walk away with my heart on a platter

So let’s write the script, in this movie there is no twist,

It’s no exception to the rule, and in the end the girl gets played for a fool

[CHORUS]

Dear Mr. Impossible, Dear Never Commit,

Dear Mr. Trust Issues, Dear Never Forget

I am writing you this letter, to express my inner conflict

Which path should I chose, which wager should I bet?

In the battle of the heart versus the mind, which one should win the fight?

[BRIDGE]

Leave me with my tears, let me weep,

I’ll get over it, just give me so many sleeps

My story has ended and it’s no fairytale at all

The passion from a romance, the disaster from a suicide fall

But I’ll do it all again, to feel the way you make me feel

It’s the small things in life that make living such a big deal

[CHORUS]

Dear Mr. Impossible, Dear Never Commit,

Dear Mr. Trust Issues, Dear Never Forget

I am writing you this letter, to express my inner conflict

Which path should I chose, which wager should I bet?

In the battle of the heart versus the mind, which one should win the fight?

A Day In The Life Of...

They say bad things always happen in threes... maybe for me it's like fours or fives before something good comes my way.

Bad thing #1:  Boy dilemmas.  Enough said (see posts below).
Bad thing #2:  Grandma gets into a car accident the morning of Sep. 18, fractures spine, close to being paralyzed.  She is now back at home and recovering, forced to wear a lovely brace (think armour around her chest attached to some contraption keeping her neck straight and chin held high).
Bad thing #3:  Unit floods late during the night of Sep. 18/early morning of Sep. 19 due to drainage back-up?  The root of the cause is actually still being determined... as of right now, the state of my bathroom is sink torn out, a huge dehumidifier in front of my shower, baseboards ripped up all in the bathroom, bedrooms, and hallway... drywall torn out of bathroom walls, hallways walls, and closet walls (dogs have been weaving in and out of their new hiding spots)... carpet torn out of the entrances of each bedroom (soon to be entire bedroom), and large dehumidifier in the master bedroom closet (let's just say it's like a fucking sauna in my townhouse... next on the list, laminate ripped up and moving company coming in to move me out, store my shit, and eventually move me back in
Bad thing #4:  Laptop is soo infected with viruses I can't even get onto the internet to do my work (I work part-time from home doing order entry for my cousin every quarter)... bye-bye work and more $ (of which I need more than ever!), unless by some miracle he finds it in his heart to expense me a new computer (*crosses fingers*).  I have been shut out off FACEBOOK because of this.  My life is over as I know it (jk).
Bad thing #5 (of which I have still not got around to):  Calling in about a recall on my 06 Toyota Matrix due to engine seizure... I am hoping mine wasn't one of the 64000+ who actually requires the repair.

All I have to say is... when the good thing comes my way, it better blow my fucking mind.

And that my friends, is a day in the life of Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired.

New Tattoo

I already have a tattoo on my foot of a vine w/ two roses (one bud and one bloomed), and a little blue butterfly hoovering over one of the roses... I'll maybe get to attaching a picture later ;)

So... I want to get some thoughts and opinions on my two ideas for future, hopefully-sooner-than-later, tattoos.

I've always wanted a quote tattoo... and I found this one in a book I was reading and it's meaning really goes with my day-to-day motto, well sort-of:

Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof

It means "So don't ever worry about tomorrow. After all, tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." -  GOD'S WORD ® Translation

Another one I liked was:

Fools Rush In Where Angels Fear to Tread

It's meaning is "The rash or inexperienced will attempt things that wiser people are more cautious of."

Which do you like better?  Or both?

As for the other tattoo I want, it revolves around a saying/story... the story is as follows:

"There was a Shaman who, on the night of each full moon, would sit with the village children and recount the story of the white wolf and the dark wolf. These were two wolves who had been adversaries since the dawn of time. The white wolf thrives on truth, kindness, and love. The dark wolf, on the other hand, gains his strength from hatred, fear, and lies. The two wolves would battle again and again, and each time the children heard the story, they would ask which wolf wins in the end. The shaman’s answer was simple: 'The wolf that wins is the one you feed!' And so it is."

So... I've googled pictures of wolves as if they are jumping down onto the ground off something.  I will have them on my lower back, opposite of each other, one white and one black.  Here are the pics I like:

Obviously these wolves are depicted as elemental... so I wouldn't have the leaves as the tail or the tree branch as its foot... would have to get someone to draw that in I guess?  Which one do you like better?

I assume the wolf tattoo will be rather expensive, so have to start saving now ;)

He's Just Not That Into You

As much as I try to follow these dating tips... you know, don't accept a request for a weekend date past Wednesday, only put in equal or less effort than the guy does, etc... I can't bring myself to bypass the blunt and straightforward individual I am. Being honest is contradictory, a plus and a minus, a great attribute yet a deficit to my personality. Frankly, I have had too many bad experiences when it comes to dating and relationships that I do not have time to play guessing games anymore. I am not in high school... I am not going to sit across the room batting my short freaking eyelashes at a dude in hopes he notices me. Let's be blunt, let's tell it like it is, let's get to the point, and let's figure out if it's worth both our time to go forward. I have come to accept the fact that I can't MAKE someone have feelings for me, and I'm okay with that... hence, NOT WASTING TIME. I deserve better, I deserve someone who is going to "wow" me, who is going to treat me like a queen, at the least a princess... and as much as we are told that's fairytale bullshit, I am sure it exists in one way or another, the "reality" version... you know minus the supernatural beings and pixie dust. The problem is, I don't know any different, I have nothing to compare against when it comes to what an "ideal" relationship looks like. So most often when I think I am taking a step up, I am actually only moving sideways. Every relationship you incur IS a stepping stone to getting to the one individual you will end up with, if you even make it to that point... which is fine, I love learning lessons along the way. BUT COME ON, isn't there some rule that 3 negatives get you to a positive?
Okay, bringing it back to what I initially set out to do with this post. I wanted to relive Saturday's events with Tuesday's date boy.  I go into work, he's there, as expected.  Minor conversation is exchanged.  I go upstairs to do my job.  THREE hours pass before he comes up to give me... GRAPES?  No discussion of Tuesday's events... nothing.  FINE!  I go downstairs later to do who knows what and I can feel his eyes on me.  I shot him a quick glance, "what are you looking at?"  He says, "you, is that a problem?"  I don't even acknowledge it.  Alright then... go back upstairs.  Text message:  "What I can't look at you now?"  The texts proceed back and forth as follows:

Me:  "That appears to be all your doing"
Him:  "I could do more, just don't want you to feel awkward"
Me:  "Oh is that what it is... just thought maybe after Tuesady you lost interest"
Him:  "Well, you pushed away when I went to kiss you when I left so I thought fun time was over"
Me:  "Fun time??? Like I said, I am all about going with the flow and having 'fun times' but I am not wasting my time on a 'fuck buddy'"
Him:  "Meant go with the flow, but ok"
Me:  "Ok, so what do you want to do then?"
Him:  "I dunno"
Me:  "Ok whatever"
Him:  "We are not wasting time we are filling it"
Me:  "Good to know"
At this point I had gone downstairs, grabbed my car keys and belongings and left... he asked why I was mad... I said WHATEVER and stormed out.
Him:  "Why are you mad?"
Me:  "I am not playing games here, I actually have feelings for you"
Him:  "What games am I playing?  I am not doing anything"
Me:  "Ya and that's the problem... last week you kiss me, this week you hardly talk to me"
Him:  "Like I said, you pushed away so I don't want to make you feel awkward"
Me:  "I moved away because I was pissed off because it seemed like you just wanted to get in my pants and wtf do you mean make me feel awkward?  That doesn't make sense... so basically you also assumed nothing was going to happen from that point on?"
Him:  "Yup, you moved away I didn't want to push for it"
Me:  "Ok"
Him:  "I don't push for things I have no chance at"
Me:  "Must not have wanted it that bad then... I couldn't have made it anymore obvious by making you dinner I left the ball in your court to go forward with it so I dunno"
Him:  "I was pushing for you and I wanted to see if we could work, but I have this thing about people moving back from me when I am trying to show them I care my brain tells me not to try"
"I'm at work I will talk to you later about this"
Me:  "Well I'm sorry I did that, I didn't realuize you cared, clearly we misunderstood each other... like I said, I do have feelings for you and it's really up to you at this point... Talk to you later I guess"

FOUR HOURS PASS... nothing.

I text him "So...?"
Him:  "So I think I don't know what I want"
Me:  "Ya not the greatest answer but maybe an answer in itself.  Alright then."
Him:  "I'm stoned"
Me:  "Have a great night"
Him:  "Night"

Nothing since.  Thoughts?

Lowered Expectations

I had to make my first post brief... don't want to overwhelm anyone, because trust me, I have A LOT on my mind.

So... I was at my 2nd job on Saturday (I work for a car dealership filing in the service dept., Saturdays only), and I have been crushing on my coworker for quite some time now.  He just got back from two weeks off because he got into a car accident.

I'm pretty blunt, so I am pretty sure I have made my feelings for him obvious in one way or another... occasional banter, sexual comments here and there, you know, the usual ;)  Well... on Saturday, I proceeded upstairs to the file room to do my job, and sent him a quick text asking if he could let me know what they decide on doing for lunch.  His response "Can we just make out already and get this over with?"  I responded with a nervous "Hahahahahaha".  Five minutes later, he's upstairs saying it again... my response:  "Well what are you fucking waiting for why don't you kiss me already?" as my stomach is turning, butterflies batting against my insides, face turning a bright red, shaky limbs and a shortness of breath.  He kissed me.  It was... WOW.  Throughout the day he would visit me i.e. makeout sessions sporatically.

Anyways, the day ended.  I invitied him to come over after he went to a party that night, of which he invited me to but I declined due to other plans.  Happy now he didn't come, he was completely wasted when he got around to texting me and the next day told me he spent some time praying to the "porcelin god".

Texts back and forth continued throughout the weekend until I invited him over for dinner Tuesday night (knowing my "roomie" was at work, being respectful and all).  My last "first date" with a guy was far from perfect, so I was hoping this one wasn't also doomed.  Should have knocked on wood.

He was due to arrive at 6 because I was making dinner for that time... 6 rolls around, no sign.  6:15 rolls around, and my patience is wearing thin, I text him saying "I said be here at 6 not leave at 6".  The response was "oh shit sorry.  be there quick"

WTF?!

Either someone was napping or completely forget... he explained later why he was an hour late (didn't arrive until 7, lucky dinner was still warm) and his excuse sounded too confusing for me to even care.

We ate, I gave him a tour of my pad, we talked... I learned A LOT about his f-d up family!  I won't go into details... we walked the dogs, and then... came back, and the games begin.

Somehow I got lured into my bedroom with the question of "how hard/soft is your mattress?"  RANDOM!  He tests it out, I stay on the couch, he proceeds to ask me questions from the room, I can't hear him, so I get up and walk in.  Making out on the bed... More making out... Even more making out... It's getting hot & heavy... attempts to take clothes off at which I rejected... WTF does he think this is?  I ask him if he came here to get laid, and he responds something along the lines of "No, obviously not, but I at least thought I'd get head or something"

OMG

Earlier in the night I had clearly told him I had feelings for him, minor as I know little about him, and also explained I don't want to waste my time on some meaningless fling... apparently this dude's not a sponge and doesn't fucking absorb anything I say. 

The night continued with making out here and there, more talking, more attempts to get in my pants, then a ton of complaints about blue balls and needing to go home and jack off.  When I walked him out he went in to kiss me, and I pulled back (don't know why, just found it funny) and he "punched my fist" like a homie would do and said goodbye and walked off.  Ummmm, again, WTF?

It's Thursday, I have yet to receive a text, a thank you, anything!  I can't decide whether our date was horrible, in-between, or decent?! 

Lessons learned: 
1.  Don't have a first date at your place, always ends up in the bedroom somehow
2.  Don't bombard a boy with questions of "where is this going?" which I didn't really at all and I am SO PROUD of myself because I am known for coming on too strong, too fast
3.  Lastly, maybe don't share too many personal details about each other JUST YET, not that I even got asked any questions about myself to begin with!

Thoughts?  Comments?  Additions to my list?

Ms. Negativity

I have a hard time expressing positive things... I don't know what's wrong with me.  I think if I won the lottery you might find me jumping for joy, but even things like free trips to Vegas and all the other joys in life that make someone excited, you can find me with a blank expression on my face saying "wooo" in my head.

I have no problem, however, expressing what pisses me off.  I am easily annoyed, especially by people.  Maybe it's because I am surrounded by idiots.  And when it comes to dating, three letters... OMG!  How do I end up with these people?!

I am currently living with an ex-bf, who I dated for two years, and it took me two LONGGGG years to figure out what a fucking douche he is.  Why are we still living together?  Convenience?  Comfort?  Maybe the fact we own two dogs together (one's his, one's mine, but they can't be separated at this point)... I'd say he's there to help me pay my mortgage (just bought a one-level townhouse in May); HOWEVER, the most he pays me a month is the minimum (his $500 rent), all while his cell phone bills to my Visa every month (he has no credit to have it in his name), and I am stuck paying for every freaking utility that comes my way... and then I wonder why I am so stressed all the time.  Money is THE BIGGEST cause of stress in my life.  Anyways, more on "the roomie" later, that's a novel and a half.

My mutts above (1/4 border collie, 1/4 golden retriever, and 1/2 pit bull) Left: Destiny, Right: Quila... 2 years old and sisters.  Pictures taken by Michelle Patterson at chellepatterson.com